.:. i wonder .:.

well, i'm eagerly waiting for 3rd nov to come so that Ms Red will make an appearance.

you know how we were avidly trying in maybe August?. well, we did some reflecting, and figured we'd just go with the flow. so, this month has been no pressure, and well, it's been much more fun.

i figured we're still young and well, there are still many many things that i'd like to do and get out of my system before a little kiddo comes along. and plus, there are still many many things i would like to see the man achieve before we have mini Naddies and mine Zali-Zalis. hahah.

ok, from here onwards, this post is strictly for females.

my twin peaks have been rather sore for the past, like, 5 days, and it kinda got me thinking. at first, i figured it's just a passing thing, but well, harlo, i have been in pain and discomfort for the past how many days.

so, i googled it last night, and one of the results that popped out was well, PREGNANCY.

ok, you know how i was super disappointed when Ms Red came in August and Sept, cos we were really trying?. honestly, i felt like crying each time Ms Red made its appearance. boo yah.

well, it's the reverse now. i was thinking about it this morning about what it would be like if the test turned out positive, and well, i kinda freaked.

don't get me wrong. i honestly do want a kid or even many, many kids one day. at least before i hit 30. but i thought about all the things that i might not be able to do when a kid comes along, and well, i STILL WANT TO DO THOSE THINGS.

like club.
like go pubbing and listen to awesome gigs till the wee hours of the morning.
go on awesome spontaneous dates with the husband and coming home at like 3 am and sleeping the whole sunday away.
like go travelling and see the maginificence of this place we call Earth.
like doing something (i don't know what yet) big and giving my all to it.
like seeing the husband go through his advanced diploma and actually graduating from the course.

and when i think about it realistically, there are cons to the whole notion of starting a family now.
like where the heck are we gonna put the kid?
there's already a lack of space in our room.
so, yar, logistically, it's a concern.

so, in a way, i feel that maybe it would be best if we waited till the house is ready in 2013. i'd be 28 then and the man would be 29. so, my goal of A Kid by 30 will still be achievable.

but then, i feel guilty for being selfish.
it's not about being selfish per se, but it's the fear of actually raising a kid.
like, will i be a good mom?
or will i give my all to this tiny human being?

i don't want to be a young mom, and still want to club, and end up leaving my kid with a babysitter while i enjoy the night away. damn. that would be shitty.

but then, some part of me knows that i might just do that, because well, i wouldn't have gotten the clubbing/hooray hooray juices out of my system if i became a parent at a substantially young age.

like i had so much fun over the weekend, and i've been having fun over these weekends with the husband. cos it's just the two of us, and well, we just know how to enjoy each other's company.

plus, the sex is good.
shit.
i so do not want to spoil that.

so, you see, it's the polar opposite now.
plus, it did not help watching Shutters Island and the Back-Up Plan yesterday.
i do not want to end up being Michelle Williams' character who ends up killing all her three children cos she yearned to have some alone time with her husband.
and the Back-Up Plan was horrendously funny, but God, you look at the expenses needed for a kid, and well. i am so not yet ready in that department.

just thinking of it can make me hyperventilate.

so, i already took a Pregnancy Test and it was negative.
but according to the Net, it can be a false negative.
shitttte.
so, i shall just wait for Ms Red to appear.
2 more days.

i want a kid but maybe not right now.
i know there will never be a good time to have a kid, but i pray to Him that should i get pregnant, please give me like uber obvious signs, cos then i won't take whatever weird sensations my body's feeling as a sign that i'm falling sick, and take like a panadol or something. panadols aren't good for the foetus apparently.

and then, shit. there goes the whole notion of being a good parent. cos you're already contaminating the kid when you don't even know it exists.

so, please please please God, if you were to ever make me get pregnant (which i hope You will), please make the signs obvious. cos you know how ridiculously dense and bimbotic i can get when it comes to these things.

thank you.